Interfering old druid…

•January 1, 2013 • 3 Comments

1-DSCF0082I walked the boundaries between worlds this morning. To the folk I passed I was just another middle aged woman fighting off the bulge before the heat of the day took hold. To the birds, I walked as a druid. It intrigues me how the Crested Pigeons have so much to say about corvids. All crows to them – they make no distinction except perhaps by colour. “The black crow, the black crow,” calls one, and then switches to the other option: “The pied crow won, the pied crow won.” You’d think they could find other things to talk about.

There was a magpie squabble under way in the park. Four birds, two parents and two young, were ganging up on a single parent and her youngster. I knew why that Magpie was a single parent. A week ago I had seen both parties feeding and talking together under the same trees. One bird, however, seemed unable to fly. I walked close to him to check if I was right and he crossed the road.  Therein lay the problem. At some point I suspect he’d been bumped by a car, leaving him with a damaged wing and a limp. Two days later he was dead on the side of the road and I blessed his journey into the Summer Lands.

I watched the squabble for a while so that I was clear on who was chasing who. The adults were picking on the single parent, trying to drive her from the area. As she flew from one place to another, her child flew with her. She was tired, open beaked, and flew as if a wing was hurting. I stepped into the area between the trees and between into their realm to talk to them. Those doing the pursuing came to rest, each in a different tree around me.

I told them to stop this unkindness. The persecuted one and her child had settled on the ground in the shade of a tree trunk.

“Your ways are not our ways,” they replied.

“I know, ” I answered. “But we can learn from each other’s ways.”

I sat down on the grass, and as I did so the persecuted one and her child flew up to a different tree a little away from the rest. I waited and listened while the birds negotiated among themselves in their beautiful whistles. First one spoke, then another. They confirmed their family ties and then the persecuted one added her voice stating her case – same area, different family, also need food, tough as a single parent. I joined in the discussion and pointed out that it is hard for a bird to establish a new territory on her own with a youngster, and that they were only taking the opportunity to chase her because she had no mate. She’d been there all along anyway. The space is small because of us humans and our way of living, but they do have the park which is more than most. They listened. The fight was over.

It is, I guess, the nature of druids to interfere. Perhaps it is part of our calling.

I continued my walk. Further along I saw another Magpie youngster I had watched before. On the previous occasion I had watched that one’s parent fend of a bunch of marauding Indian Mynahs. On that occasion the young Magpie had walked close by me making little sounds almost like a “meow” – baby talk. This time the same bird was perched on a post, practising semi-under-under-the-breath adult whistles and runs of song, so like a teenager with voice breaking!

Singing in the Rain – Australian Magpie

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Consulting the Oracle

•December 28, 2012 • Leave a Comment

yicard40   yicard47

(Yicards by Luis Andrade )

A while back I picked up a book on the I Ching – an ancient Chinese oracle.  The idea of the I Ching had been floating in the back of my mind ever since I read The Golden Compass, and I found my copy going really cheaply at a closing-down book sale.

Last night, the eve of the last Full Moon of the year, seemed like a good time to consult the I Ching with the most general of questions: On the brink of a New Year, what has the Oracle to say? Beneath this question, among other things, was a niggling frustration with my lack of getting a move on with things I have lined up in my mind to do – mostly writing projects – including updating this blog.

I flipped my coins to build up the six lines of an I Ching hexagram. Number 40 – thunder over deep water – Zhen over Kan. The fifth line was a “changing” line – broken becoming solid (a broken line is yin, while the solid is yang). This means a second hexagram can be formed when the line is changed – 47 – lake or marsh over water – Dui over Kan.

Each hexagram has a relating oracle – a symbol and an explanation, that has formed over time – much like the explanations of tarot that have formed over time, though older – much older.

Hexagram 40: “Release. Fruitful in the southwest. With no place to go, to turn round and come back is good fortune. With a direction to go, daybreak, good fortune.”
Moving “southwest” means no longer battling to pursue the mission, but heading back to your roots, reconnecting with home and allies. Knowing where you’re coming from helps to be clear about where you’re going to. Essentially, if one has no direction, one should return to one’s roots and if one does have a direction, start out immediately with exploring ways to attain the goal.

The image: “Thunder and rain do their work: Release. a noble one pardons transgressions and forgives crimes” – comes with the suggestion to imagine the air after a thunderstorm, clean and clear with all tension released. What a lovely way to release the year that has been and prepare to start the new!

The changing line – 5 in my case, says “A noble one, bound, is released. Good fortune. There is truth towards small people.” this comes with the explanation that the noble one is not truly trapped in the first place, but can express his/herself with the constraints. With changing the broken line to solid, I now have

Hexagram 47: “Confined, creating success. Constancy of a great person, good fortune. Not a mistake. There are words, not trusted.”
Expanded, this means that the great person finds good fortune in the inner ideal – not reliant on outward signs of progress and confirmation. Words are merely circulating ideas, not to be trusted. The aim is self-reliance without outside help.

The image:”Lake without water. Confined. A noble one carries out the mandate, fulfils her aspiration.” – The lake water (vitality, communication and exchange of ideas) drains downward and inward, merging with the stream in a single strong current. In the same way a noble one lets his/her mandate or calling flow together with the aspiration of his/her own heart. The two strengthen one another and create an inner momentum that follows through to fulfilment.

Combining the two hexagram meanings, I have a great sense of encouragement, with an expectation that the forward momentum depends on me and not any outside “rescue” or assistance. I will be able to stamp my results with a great sense of accomplishment in the end: All my own work – this is the gift of me being true to my heart and calling, to the world. What more can anyone ask for?

Transformative Omen Magic

•November 14, 2012 • Leave a Comment

solar eclipse 14/11/2012 sourced from couriermail.com.au taken by John Flynn

There was no way we were going to see the eclipse of the sun from Sydney. The sky was coolly blanketed and a gentle mist rain fell. However, I knew the time the eclipse was due to occur, so a bit before 8am, I lit a stick of incense and spent some time setting my intentions. The very fact that the eclipse was hidden from sight, but still happening seemed significant. It made it easier to focus on the energy of the moment, instead of being swept up in the excitement of finding old X-rays to peer through and lining up the family to have a look.

For me, 22 Scorpio, where the eclipse occurred, is in my 2nd House (If you want to learn more, visit astro.com), thus my intentions revolved around material circumstances and my relationship with my body. I am slowly learning more about astrology, thanks to Kim Falconer.

As it turned out, the eclipse wasn’t the only interesting event of the day. Mid-morning I set out for my walk around the Alfred Whaling Reserve across the road. As I walked, I noticed a bird floundering under the trees. It was a Magpie that had been hit by a car and was clearly severely injured. I picked it up gently and decided to walk towards the veterinary clinic down the way and see if it survived that distance. Sadly, it died as I cradled it against my chest. I returned to where I had found it and buried it at the foot of one of the trees. I continued my walk, blessing the spirit of the Magpie as I went.

I usually walk round the reserve twice, and as I was again nearing the place where I had buried the Magpie on my first trip round,  I spotted a fledgling sitting on the path, just a couple of feet away from the busy road. Concerned for its safety, I approached it from the road side so that if it tried to escape me, it would move away from danger to the safety of the park. It didn’t budge – just gazed up at me with a beady Noisy Miner eye. (Please note – Noisy Miners should not be confused with Indian Minahs. They are indigenous to Australia and deserve our care no matter how much they shout at us and our dogs and cats.) I scooped the little fellow up to move it to safety. It promptly let out a shriek for help as only a Noisy Miner can! I moved a few steps away from the side-walk and opened my hands to let it flutter free just as the rescue party arrived. As I protected my head, laughing at their scolding fury, I counted how many birds had come to the rescue of this one little youngster – no less than eight! What a wonderful community response. How can one not respect our feathered brethren when they show such solidarity?

Later in the day I had time to pause and consider the events of the morning. I wanted to discern the meaning in these things – figure out what it had to say to me. In the first place an eclipse can symbolise death and rebirth. It’s a strong image, an image of transformation, in the same way that we use the metaphor of metamorphosis. That was exactly what I needed, as I focussed my intentions on changes in the way I see and relate to my body and money. The two birds seemed to emphasise this message, one with a  life ending, and ceasing to fly in the spirit realm, the other at the beginning of it’s life, just learning to fly. The Magpie, being a corvid, is easily associated with many sorts of transformations, shape-shifting and walking between worlds. As I carried it back to the tree for burial, I was aware of feeling that it left me somehow connected to the Magpie spirit – anchored, perhaps. Thus the time comes for me to focus outwardly on new things represented by the chattering communal nature of the Noisy Miners.

There are three primary areas of transformation I am focussing on: spiritually, my path has been about slowly moving from a Christian context to one of pagan druidry. It takes time to learn the vocabulary to speak one’s new spirituality when one has been used to a particular “language”‘ for so long. Physically, I want to translate my mental image of myself, as thin and strong, into reality – to be healthy and kind to my body. In a wider context and looking specifically at money, I want to move from my “love of money is evil” Christian past to a more sensible way of realising that I have the ability and opportunity to look after my family well and to make that happen. The first of the three – the spiritual transformation is already well under way – represented by the Magpie. The latter two are my current area of focus – represented by the fledgling Miner.

This brings me to my final realisation of the day. I have been struggling for some time to work out what magic is, to me, in a useful way that I can share. I don’t do spells, I only set intentions. I am dubious about suggesting that much magic resides in “things” as I believe far more resides in us, yet I am not above using things as magical from time to time. I have felt that my idea of magic differs from what others might think magic is, though I dare say I’m not alone in my interpretation. Sometimes a coincidence is just a coincidence, and sometimes it’s an omen. Sometimes we miss seeing omens that are clear and obvious, and sometimes when we pay attention to coincidences the meaning we bring transforms them into omens. Omens can be used as tools to bring transformative understanding and insight. To me, this is what magic is all about.

Today I felt as if something important came together for me. I have indeed worked with the eclipse and worked with the birds that entered my life. They have formed deeply meaningful symbols for me, and that meaning-making serves to amplify my intentions for change in my life. The transformation potential is invoked. This is what my idea of being a druid is all about, and this is the gift of this day – perhaps a gift bestowed in parting by a Magpie leaving for the Summerlands. It feels like an assurance that I am truly learning to walk the druid path and work druid magic, with clear understanding of what it is that I do.

Poised

•November 10, 2012 • 1 Comment

I remember I concluded that writing is It for me. Didn’t I? Yes…I know I did. What I find quite astonishing is the amount of time it is possible to spend thinking about writing and talking about writing, without necessarily writing. Justifiable? Maybe, given where I am at.

Perhaps the most noteworthy thing about making a deliberate decision to embrace writing more seriously (hmm – “embrace” is a good word – invokes love affairs) is that the inevitable happens: Life gets in the way. It’s not something I can necessarily control. Events happen: sick family members, broken-down cars, rental inspections and teeth – never forget the accursed teeth (My Last Decent Meal)!

I am learning a few important lessons from this. It’s embarrassing to say I’m writing an epic fantasy, while remaining unable to say my word count has gone anywhere significant. But it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters as much as saying, “I’m writing an epic fantasy because it won’t leave me alone, and I’m Not Giving Up just because it’s taking longer than I’d like it to.”

Meanwhile, time can be used in many, many critical ways. I am a student in this craft. I’ve never invented a huge realm before. The first places come into view in my mind’s eye, and then I find I need to understand the adjacent land and interrelationships. It’s one thing to have an idea of two nations. but society is complex. Within a society there are so many strata and points of view, religions, political ideas – what do they look like for my people? Where do my characters fit in? How does this influence the primary conflict/dilemma/problem that is the linchpin of the story?

I find I can write bits here and there, but until I have a clearer picture of  background and context, including past history, I’m a bit hamstrung. Even a fantasy in a newly created world requires research – research of imagination and vision and research that ties the imagined world back to the reality we know so that it is believable. it is this first phase that takes time – slow time, careful time, for once a world is created well it becomes a sure foundation for the future.

All the while, I’m reading and every book I read teaches me something new. Once I was worried that whatever I read would influence my own writing style. Now, I’m learning that that doesn’t happen, and that sometimes reading a writer who uses more complex description and character thought is the very thing that I need to give me permission to delve into the depths of my own story and write it thoroughly. that is important to me as I’m so very accustomed to curbing my verbosity with many deletes!

Above all, I’m reminding myself that I AM a writer. There are two things that I see time and again that divide the Real Writer from the Iwishiwasawriter. It’s not just spelling and grammar, either. The first is that a writer writes – I do,  and have done since I could write, be it stories, poems, journals, letters or anything else.  The second is like the first – a writer writes regardless of payment. I need to remind myself of this because self-esteem is a hard-won prize and self-doubt is a well-travelled path that can look alluringly easy.

Thus, while my word count intentions are shot to ribbons and NaNoWriMo looks more nonsensical than its abbreviation, I am digging deep foundation in the depths of my mind. I am baking bricks to use to build a nation  – two nations.  At the other end of the scale, I dream the future and feel it now – watching myself joyfully signing books and receiving hugs of congratulations from my favourite Australian fantasy authors: Kate Forsyth, Kim Falconer, Anita Bell and others as I join their number. Nothing now is wasted – not one moment of action or feeling, drama or daily life, because as long as there is that, and stories, I am a writer.

Evening – a villanelle

•October 18, 2012 • 2 Comments

Evening – Bidjigal Reserve

A pool of stillness grows at close of day,

With silhouetted laughter in the trees

And dreamtime-haunted shadows fill the way.


The evening glows with last retreating ray

That lingers in the sigh of twilight breeze.

A pool of stillness grows at close of day


And as the west succumbs to gentle grey

The sonic, fluttering wings their moment seize,

And dreamtime-haunted shadows fill the way.


Before the gleam of starlight dares to play

Upon the eucalyptus canopies,

A pool of stillness grows at close of day


And in the rustling grass and leaf decay

Strikes up the chirp of evening symphonies,

And dreamtime-haunted shadows fill the way.


So thins the veil ‘tween now and yesterday

As time is held in silent melodies.

A pool of stillness grows at close of day

And dreamtime-haunted shadows fill the way.

The Five O’clock Seal

•October 17, 2012 • Leave a Comment

Kelp stalks sway in the low tide swell

Silhouetted dark in the silver sea.

I hear the crack of a gull-dropped shell

Sharp against the sibilant sigh

Of the swirls of salted waters by

The rocks at the edge of the sea.


There, at the rim of the black kelp crowd,

A kelp frond seems to scratch its nose

And slip away, when the rest have bowed

To the rhythm of the gentle tide,

Like mop-haired dancers side by side.

I watch as it quietly goes.


The sleek hide dips between the waves.

He twists with grace through the bubbles bright

And rises with the fish he craves.

He tosses it across the sea

Retrieving it with playful glee –

An aqua-batic delight!


And now the playing part is done.

He seems to lounge upon the sea,

Enjoys his meal, and then is gone.

And all I have is sunset sky

And silver sea and seagull cry

And homeward path for me.

( This poem was inspired by a seal I saw regularly in the late afternoon, when we lived near Fish Hoek in the Western Cape, RSA)

One for the carers.

•October 15, 2012 • 2 Comments

This is a shout-out for all those folk who care for someone who is differently-abled in any way. It’s a shout-out to those folk who, day after day, bottle up everything they feel, all their frustrations, and hold close their shattered dreams and remain voiceless. For if you dare to open your mouth, someone might say either “why do you stay?” or “how can you be so mean to someone who is differently abled?”

I will address the “how can you be so mean?” aspect first. I’ve had it said – I’ve been called a domineering wife. When I’ve tried to voice what I feel at times on mixed forums, I get shouted down. “But you don’t understand how difficult it is for someone with Aspergers/someone who is deaf…” Maybe I catch glimpses of how difficult it is, maybe I don’t always understand. However, does anyone understand how difficult it is for other family members and care-givers? We shrink back and hide in the shadows – especially those of us who live on the edges where nothing is ever “bad enough” to warrant respite. Respite from what? It’s not that bad, really, is it? Is it?

It is unrelenting years we are talking about, here. It’s the shadow-side of decisions made in naïve youth, not necessarily regretted, note, but certainly made with no idea of what the price would be. It’s the weight of many, many years of non-comprehension, disbelief, tears and hurt until a label is applied that gives a measure of understanding. Sadly, labels don’t end the stresses and strains in holding on to a relationship with disability. They do, sometimes, provide something to scream at into your pillow.

So – I am going to be honest now. Sometimes I feel murderous. Sometimes I’m sick to death of repeating myself, trying to get messages across, trying to encourage changes in behaviour that would benefit not just one, but the entire family. It’s like screaming at a brick wall. Oh, there have been tiny changes over the years, but not enough to prevent fall-out. Am I mean and domineering? No more than the next wife or mother who tries desperately to prevent too much alcohol consumption, promote reasonable nutrition and encourage responsible sleep ratios. I am tired of carrying the load. I’m fed up with the criticism – why don’t I do things differently? How about: because I’m at work, not at home cooking. How about: because if I don’t give time to writing, wood carving, walking, burying myself in virtual worlds, reading, photography, I will lose my sanity – and that, more than anything, is precious in order for me to keep on being a care-giver to people with disability. I am trying to remain sane – more than sane – I am trying to thrive.

“Why don’t you leave?” – That’s the other question. Simply this: people who have disabilities are not to blame for their disabilities and do not deserve to be punished. While the going gets tough, there is still love, and the interconnectedness of family – bonds of blood, of journey, of story that run deep; tangled roots that cannot be torn apart without damage that could be permanent. I will not be party to such tearing apart.

So – my shout-out to all those carers – especially those who are in the no-mans-land of not horrendously severe disability, who always look at others and say, “Thank the gods my situation isn’t as bad as theirs…” to all of you, and to myself, I offer the forest.

It is now known that there are those trees that are the mother trees, whose roots communicate with the whole system and who assist in swapping nutrients and nurturing saplings. Those mother trees, the great, old ones, are also aware of and are influenced by the plants that are weaker, diseased or affected by plant that are parasites, or vines that smother. The mother trees don’t rush to the rescue every time. They remain firm and strong, doing what they can do. They don’t uproot themselves in a desperate bid to make everything perfect. They do what they can do, and they nourish themselves. They may look outwardly indifferent, but they are not. While their roots are entangled and part of the entire forest system, they remain themselves, strongly individual.

Caregivers, nurturers, take five minutes to close your eyes and feel the green growing-ness of the forest and feel yourselves thriving and trust that everything you need for your own inner strength is right at hand in whatever form you require it. Breathe in the sunlight, breathe in the air, taste the rain and be.

What matters

•October 7, 2012 • 1 Comment

I have spent a little time looking, once again, at what matters most to me, where my passion lies, what that one thing is that I would want to achieve with my life.

What matters most to me is seeing people grasp a glimpse of how amazing their stories are.  Every one of us has challenges and struggles of varying degree to cope with, learn through, triumph over or even be overcome by.  This is the human condition – life lived out in all its forms – the great cauldron or melting pot of meaning.  If there is anything I want to say to each and every person I meet, it’s that your life is meaningful and rich, that you – yes you, are a hero or heroine.  Your choices are the ingredients you add, and yes, they may seem to be bad ones at sometimes, but they are also those things – thoughts that become actions – that provide character and depth.

I’ve made bad choices in my lifetime.  Some of those in the past resulted in a budget too far stretched and a yawning abyss of debt. But that has added wisdom.  Through my mistakes I have learnt that I don’t like dealing with money and money doesn’t much interest me other than as a means of survival and getting the basic things we need and want.  I have also learnt that because I am not interested in money and its management, I need to keep basic safety guards in place – like never owning a credit card and avoiding buying anything on credit if I can help it.  As far as possible I organise regular payments to go out of my account automatically.  It sounds boring, told that way.  It is but a little illustration.

Yet behind that lies the agony of error – the guilt, the anguish, the desperation of trying to resolve the matter,  learning strategies to pay off debts and finding that, at times, even that didn’t seem to work.  There is the tale of unfair dismissal, unemployment, struggling to find ways to manage, to cope, to feed and clothe the family.  There is a story of moving a family from one end of a country to another, paying off everything we owed and moving over the ocean to start life in a new country.

My story will touch a chord for many, but your story – whatever it is, will touch others too.  Each story carries within it a seed, a potent ingredient, that might just be the spark that gives another struggling, fallible fellow traveller that all-important spark for life we call hope.  Hearing how someone else struggled, maybe more than we did, so often is the one thing that keeps us going. It reminds us that we, too, can survive, even thrive, and learn to smile again – or in the midst of catastrophe, have that bright glimpse of a higher perspective that lets laughter break through.

These are the things that make our lives – the jumbled, wonderful, fearful, dangerous, ecstatic, traumatic heap of them –  amazing art.

I feel as if I’m on the cusps of something, poised on the edge of a wave that is about to break.  For years I’ve worked on my own perspective, battled through hard times and practised, practised, practised re-framing, searching for inner strength, re-evaluating my beliefs, my expectations, my ideas.  One thing always rises above all else for me: where am I in my story?  This leads to other possible questions: What journey am I undertaking, what mythical beasts to I need to outwit, overcome or befriend?  Am I between places?  Have I arrived at some great college of learning and wisdom?  Am I present to teach or to learn – or both?  Am I here to change the course of history, to calm, to influence, or to radically alter a deadlock?

Where am I now – as a write this?  What will become of laying these thoughts bare for all to see?  How might my story unfold?  The closer I walk to my mythical self, the happier I am.  I am a druid, a teller of tales, a revealer of treasures.  Next, I have to ask myself how I can tell people what I want to tell them and how, for those who may be interested, I can help them discover the magic of their own amazing stories and mythical selves.  Now there’s a question indeed…

A web of communication.

•September 14, 2012 • 4 Comments

Yesterday was one of those days – where something I communicated resulted in an unintended consequence. It happens every once in a while, and the consequence feels like rejection. Not everything that feels like rejection necessarily is, and that is a differentiation I need to remind myself of, every so often. Communication just happens to be the House in my astrology chart that is highlighted by Kim Falconer’s blog post today.

It’s a bit like dealing with spider webs, which when they aren’t in the right places handled by the right owners, get sticky and messy and lead to interesting dance steps.

When I feel I have been misunderstood, my first reaction is to try and make myself understood more clearly – to correct or fix the other person’s grasp of what it is that I’m attempting to say. Sometimes it’s a straight-forward matter of choosing different words. At other times it gets a whole lot more messy when a bunch of filtering factors kick in that make it difficult for the other person to hear me, or me to hear them.

One such experience many years ago involved a person I counted as a friend and loved dearly. To this day, I don’t know what I was supposed to have said that caused her to reject me completely and  thoroughly overnight. I was left stunned and hurting deeply. She maintained that I “knew” what I had said (which had apparently been relayed by someone else) and refused point blank to tell me. This left me in a space where I was powerless to fix the problem. I tried apologising, but the apology wasn’t accepted on the basis that I couldn’t apologise if I said I didn’t know what I had done wrong. Something I had said most likely got misunderstood and twisted, but I have never had the opportunity to find out what it was and correct the interpretation, and it was that much more painful because I loved her and trusted her.

A second smaller experience happened just yesterday, when a conversation around arachnophobia, and stomping on spiders, led someone to un-friend me on Facebook. This was despite my sharing my own story of moving from away from fear to promoting a “live and let live” policy around those smaller members of our community. I felt perplexed that this was grounds for un-friending instead of furthering conversation.

When something like this – uncomfortable – happens, sooner or later I take a step back and look at the larger picture. It’s so easy to focus on this one thing, to feel hurt and rejected and it’s tempting to stay there – to plot and plan a mixture of redemption, revenge and reconciliation. (That said, I do love the image I had in my mind as I drifted to sleep last night, of me, standing with druid staff in hand, at the head of an army of spiders). With regard to that bigger picture, this was not the only thing that happened yesterday – and the day before, for that matter.

All around this incident of communication going awry, there’s another story – the story of how very much my work colleagues love and care for me, as they handed over the most astonishingly generous care package of fresh food and other useful items. I am currently off work, looking after my husband as he recovers from major surgery with complications. I had already had more peace of mind than Joe Average, knowing that my colleagues were looking after him while in hospital, knowing, from working alongside them, the standard of care he would get. And now this – which has left me feeling so amazingly loved.

This is communication too – it’s the result of years of working together, grumbling about each other, looking out for each other, helping, hindering, laughing, crying, back-biting and building up – everything that any group of people who work together do – only, perhaps we do it better than some. It’s as near to family as work mates can get. And it’s very, very real.

So – stepping back from the miscommunication confounded by paradigms and beliefs – and looking at the glorious affirmation all around me, I am able to ask – what is it I need to learn and take away from these instances where communication has gone wrong and I am powerless to fix it because the other won’t come to the party? The answer I find is simply this: In these cases, don’t need them and they don’t need me. Any angst on my part seems to stem from some sort of desire for affirmation, and I don’t need it. In both the examples I mentioned, the other is strong and powerful in her own right and own paradigm, living out a life that is successful and fulfilling and helping others along the way. And so am I – just as strong and powerful, with a life that is successful and deeply fulfilling, and, where I can, helping others along the way.

There may be other circumstances where this answer won’t be the right one and I’ll need to listen deeply to know the way forward, but this is my right answer for today.

A Secret Self

•July 29, 2012 • 5 Comments

I am going to tell you something that has been a secret – not really an intentional secret, but the sort of secret that you don’t tell because people look at you strangely. It hasn’t been completely secret because I’ve told a few people about it – those I trust and folk whom I knew think a little the way I do.

Way back when I was younger, and struggling along as breadwinner of the family in times that were tough, I looked for ways I could feel more confident in myself. I found myself thinking of the kind of person I was most attracted to in the fantasy stories I love, and realised there was a consistent character type I was drawn to. That character was not necessarily the main character, but was often a supporter of the main character. The character was usually solitary and wild – a priest or priestess, wise woman, druid, mage, witch or wizard. If I imagined myself as that sort of character, I found myself instantaneously free of self-doubt – not because the characters in the stories were free of self-doubt – but because they found ways to learn from their mistakes and overcome their failings or their circumstances. They were strong.

At first it was just a game – a sort of minor meditation practice: think of myself as a strong wise-woman, feel better, carry on. I couldn’t really let myself do much more with the idea then, because to have done so would have been at odds with Christianity. Each time I visited the wise-woman image I found myself identifying with the journey theme that is present in so many stories, where the young would-be apprentice, with untrained skills that might go awry, sets off to the great college or temple to be trained according to her calling. I seemed to be on that journey. I couldn’t see my destination clearly then, as it would not have done for a Christian to declare that she was off on a journey to learn magic, alchemy and divination. It didn’t fit in my paradigm – cognitive dissonance, they call it in psychological circles.

Once I stepped out of the Christian paradigm I seemed to have arrived  at my place of learning only to find that I have been receiving lessons anyway, all along the convoluted trail of adventure. This college, or temple in my mind (or in an alternative realm that overlays and interacts with what we call reality – whatever that may mean) is where I am organising and understanding the knowledge I’ve gained, transcribing it from one paradigm to another. The imagery has grown more concrete and I have found myself  needing to make this imagined self my real self.

And that’s just it: druidry drags the mythological into daily life and permeates the the Everyday with the challenges, trials, tasks and petty squabbles of the gods. There are times when I look at the folk around me and wish they could see themselves for a moment, as I do in moments when the veil between worlds is thin. The mother struggling to make a home for her children with an absent or antagonistic father – she’s a warrior-queen, fighting battle after battle to keep the kingdom safe for her subjects. The father unjustly denied access to his children and vilified – he may be a prince in disguise who’s moment will yet come when he can save those whom he must. The drunkard may just be a drunkard – but he may, too, be the jester who brings insight and the unexpected. I may be a nurse, but I am also a druid and a warrior. I seek to bring that to mind more and more so that I am not swept up into trying to be what others think I should be. Nor do I want to find myself unwittingly drawn into someone else’s script.

So that is my secret: I never gave up on make-believe and it is the best and most empowering thing I could ever have held onto. What I have now, as an adult, is a richer, deeper and broader way of living life because I discovered it was true and not just make-believe.

I invite you to take a moment and consider who your mythological self is.  What character are you in the epic adventure of life? Every myth has  it’s beginning in the stories of old that were told about real people. But, the bards in their wisdom, drew out and highlighted that which mattered most and could translate into the lives of everyone. Are you a leader – a prince or princess, king or queen of your kingdom or domain – be it home, work, your own mind, your wider family? Are you a best friend and ally – a “Samwise Gamgee” – who helps someone who carries a terrible load and responsibility? Or are you the inn-keeper, who aids the travellers who come and go? There are so many roles and each is intricately essential in the magnificent tapestry or our stories. Welcome in to the tale and draw strength from knowing you, too, have your place and it is mysterious and wonderful.

 
Damh the Bard

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